Spray Tans, Paradise & Barbra Streisand
Plus my upstate packing list.
I just got my first spray tan, so please hold all my calls because I am a supermodel now. I am not sure if this is how my mid life crisis was supposed to go, but here we are. Up until this point my 75% italian heritage and Mediterranean skin had served me well and I have been tanning the way our ancestors intended. But my ankle scars (that cannot see the sun) have turned me into a sun-dodging vampire.
My solution was to invite a twentysomething stranger into my home to spray my naked body like a suburban fence while my dog provided moral support from the sidelines.
So there I was, standing in my living room in disposable underwear that looked like a repurposed 2020 pandemic face mask, while this sweet Gen Z entrepreneur cheerfully unpacked what appeared to be an oversized college laundry basket crossed with a crime scene investigation kit.
She’s casually directed me to “turn left, lift your arm, now the other way” with the professional detachment of someone who clearly sees more naked bodies in a week than most people see in a lifetime, while I’m mentally wondering if this is how my midlife crisis was supposed to go.
The portable spray booth had all the marks of the women who went before me, and I couldn’t help thinking that if these walls could talk, they’d probably need therapy. As she methodically transformed me I felt like we were both getting an education.
Here I was, giving her a preview of gravity’s long-term effects on the human form - and after thirty years of virtuously eating salads that taste like disappointment and fiber and rice crackers with the texture of cardboard, I’m now paying someone half my age to literally airbrush health onto my body. Consider it a public service announcement about aging.
My dog observed the proceedings with the kind of detached interest usually reserved for watching paint dry, which ironically was exactly what was happening to me. The whole time I’m trying to make casual conversation as if we’re at a coffee shop instead of engaged in the most bizarre business transaction of my adult life.
This woman deserves five stars and her Instagram handle has definitely earned a spot in my links—because apparently, this is who I am now: someone who gets artisanally bronzed in her living room while contemplating the philosophical implications of paying strangers to make her look like she’s seen the sun.
I just got back from a few days upstate (pre spray tan) with my childhood friend and as I was emptying my bag and I thought it would be fun to show you what I packed. I also added some additional things that give an upstate vibe in my shop HERE!
My girlfriend and I have known each other since 1st grade and she sort of has her own No Stress Club upstate. She sold her apartment in NYC during the pandemic and bought a former Bed & Breakfast property that she has been slowly renovating for the past five years. She named it Paradise and there are always new and interesting people sitting around having coffee or contractors tinkering around with a new renovation project she is working on.
Lindsey has casted, developed and executive produced some of top reality lifestyle programming you know (think Joanna Gaines and the Property Brothers). Her upstate property is full of little suprises like one of the barns she has out back filled with thousands of vintage plates or the framed Barbra Streisand quote that she reads to her 18 month old twin daughters every time they walk up the stairs to their nap.
It is so beautiful to see Lindsey now as a mom because she has always had a childlike imagination and amazing rapport with kids. My girls still talk about the mini fairy door she had in her New York City apartment.
When I visit her I am reminded of how you can make your own community no matter where you are. Whether we are at her quiet country home sitting on the porch watching fireflies, or chatting on a FaceTime from my city apartment where sirens provide the soundtrack, we find ourselves talking about the same things that matter most—kindness, authenticity, reality television and the belief that meaningful connections can flourish anywhere if you’re intentional about nurturing them.
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Laughed and cried reading this. Love you
this is hands down the most hilarious sub yet! loving it! 🙌🏻